Monday, May 30, 2011

A Dose Of Zen

A little humor to start out my new blog.  Versions of this have been floating around the internet for a very long time:

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • No one is listening until you fart.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
  • Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.